Stefanie’s Essay
Finding a true friend in life is not an easy task. Simply being a girl in today’s society is difficult enough because it seems like a never-ending competition. Trying to find friends as a girl who is different from everyone else is an even greater challenge. When it came to friends, I was always the one left out.
I was diagnosed with Aplastic Anemia when I was eight months old, which later progressed into myelodysplastic syndrome. For 19 years, I survived on weekly blood and platelet transfusions, nightly injections to boost my immune system, and daily oral medications until I finally received a bone marrow transplant in 2007.
Most of middle school was a social struggle for me. I remember a group of girls in my seventh grade class who chose not to be my friend because they thought I talked about the hospital too much. I can still feel the devastation that I felt from their words. I was never called to go to the movies or to hang out on the weekends. Instead of going to the parties, I spent my time alone, miserable. At that time in my life, I made a conscious decision to never speak of the hospital or my sickness to anyone outside of my family. I thought this would be the solution to all my friendship problems. However, further complicating the issue was my attendance; I was at school far less than my peers because I was always sick or in the hospital.
I prayed so hard for a friend who would understand who I am, where I come from, and what I have experienced in my life. I prayed for someone who would never forget about me when plans were being made and who would embrace me for who I am as a person including my illness. During my junior year of high school, God sent me the angel I had been praying for. Deidre Haren was placed in my life. Deidre not only accepted me but she made my illness her own. Without ever hesitating or judging me, she would adjust her schedule to take me to and from the hospital and sit with me through my transfusions. In addition, she selflessly organized numerous blood drives in my name and decorated my hospital room for my nineteenth birthday although I was in a coma. I always knew she was special but it was clear that I had been touched by an angel on Christmas Day of that year. Being in the hospital on Christmas is the last place anyone would want to be but Deidre made it her personal mission to bring the holidays to my bedside, including Christmas dinner, dessert, and presents.
Without even trying, she made me see that my illness is a part of my identity and I must never change to gain acceptance from others. I realized that I need to be content with who I am, proud of what I have been through, and to never compare myself to my peers. The obstacles that I have experienced throughout my life have shaped me into who I am today. Deidre has taught me that I need to not only accept the fact that I cannot be like everyone else, but embrace it. Without even trying to change my life, she was the first person who made me feel proud to be me. I thank God every day for putting Deidre in my life. She is not only my best friend but my soul mate as well.
Diedre’s Essay
While Stefanie was in the hospital having her bone marrow transplant, five of the closest people in her life took turns being with her. On one occasion, when I had the night shift, I was helping Stef into the bathroom while rolling her IV pole. She turned to me and looked so frustrated because the pole had rolled over her line and was pulling on her arm. My friend looked at me exasperated, like she was about to cry and said, “I’m sorry Deidre I’m not mad at you, I’m just frustrated because this keeps happening and I don’t know how to fix it!” I bent down and proudly proclaimed, “Don’t worry, Stef, I’ll take care of it!” I found her line and the wheel it was wedged under and moved her IV pole so that it would come off the line. I heard a big boom and looked up to see her holding her head. Her IV pole is about 3 feet wide so in moving it I had managed to bop her in the head….really hard. I felt awful! Now in an effort to get it out of her face I moved the IV pole back and hit her the other way! Shoot! Now I was about to cry and I looked at her and said, “Gosh, Stef I’m having a real rough time today”. She smiled and looked back at me and said, “That’s alright, I had a real rough time yesterday…as long as we take turns we’re okay…” I couldn’t help but smile….no matter what… Stefanie was always in amazing spirits. Well, she’d been complaining of headaches since her transplant and me whacking her in the head didn’t help. Seriously, I had totally clocked her! Two clutzes in the same room is not good.
The hardest part about being friends with Stefanie was how helpless I felt. If I could have gone through the transplant or taken the pain away I would have done it in a heartbeat. Watching someone you love suffer is the hardest thing I have ever done. I did my best to make the things I could control perfect. I decorated her room so it was as fun as a hospital room could be, full of twinkle lights and large poster pictures. I know she loved her hair braided and out of her face, so I would French braid her hair. I’ll never forget the day I French braided her hair and found chunks of it left over in my hands.
Stefanie taught me so much about strength. I seriously think there is nothing she can’t do. Even when she had lost all her hair and her cheeks weren’t as rosy, she was absolutely beautiful. Stef has a contagious spirit and radiates an amazing energy to those that are with her. Friends would come to visit her in the hospital, and she would end up cheering them up! They would be scared and worried and she would tell them about her faith and that she knew it would all be okay.
I can’t call Stefanie my best friend. When I’m telling a story about her I have a difficult time using that label because our friendship is so much deeper and richer than the words “best-friend” can encompass. I don’t expect people to understand, but I feel like using the words “best friend” simplifies all we’ve been through together. My favorite time with Stef was always at the hospital, maybe because of our conversations there. We always would get into deep dialogues about life. And no matter how rough the week had been, when Stefanie was getting her transfusions all the petty worries of the week just seemed to melt away. I became increasingly appreciative of the blood donors that made my friends life possible from week to week.
If it weren’t for blood donors, Stefanie wouldn’t be alive today. She is B negative, a rare blood type, and there were times the doctors would tell her they didn’t have blood for her and she would have to come back the next day. Those were scary days. Since I couldn’t directly help Stef (I’m A positive) I became really involved with the San Diego Blood Bank. I coordinate drives and encourage everyone I know to donate blood. It’s such an easy way to give back. It doesn’t cost you anything and you literally are saving a life every time you donate. When I think of the hundreds of people, maybe thousands that donated to Stefanie over twenty years it blows my mind. It’s an absolute miracle.
If there is anything I want to embrace from the experience it’s a gracious attitude and the ability to be selfless. It is easy in our society to forget to thank God for the many blessings, even the simple ones like health and good friends. I have such a strong drive to give back to Him, and by encouraging others to donate, while also donating myself, I feel like I am doing my part.
About Stefanie and Diedre
A lot has changed for Stefanie since the events of her essay, but her friendship with Deirdre Haren has not. Stefanie has been mostly healthy since receiving her bone marrow transplant, and for the first time in her life, she no longer has to visit the hospital regularly. This has allowed her to live independently and away from San Diego for the first time. This summer, she is living in New York and taking classes at Hunter College. She will graduate from University of California, Irvine next year.
“I’ve gotten to be really independent, and that’s something I never got to do when I was sick,” she said of her newfound freedom.
Despite all the changes in her life, Stefanie maintains a very close friendship with Deirdre, who helped her through her illness. Deirdre will soon be moving to New York to pursue a career in theater, and the two of them talk on the phone every day.
Stefanie also loves attending baseball games and travelling. When she was younger her mother would turn each visit to a hospital into a big event, a chance to see different corners of the country. Her love of travel has remained, even as her health has dramatically improved.
